I haven’t ticked any goals on my checklist for this year; those bumps along the roads, the failures, the doubting, self-sabotaging, things didn’t turn out the way I planned, the harsh reality that not all people around you weren’t meant to stay, and the unresolved traumas were the final nail in my coffin that made my anxiety and depression got worse. Not only that, but I have been tormented by my mind that led me to lose hope in every trial and tribulation, those heavy feelings in my chest accelerated by my own fear and panic attack, sleepless nights trying to put myself back together from broken pieces, intrusive thoughts become my meal and made me lose weight, I even lose my faith and started questioning God about my life’s existence and blame Him for my misery – lines began to blur. I let those chains wrap, choke, and bind me.

Several days, weeks, and months of drowning myself, I finally learned to acknowledge what I’m feeling and that’s when I found the courage to seek a professional. Yes, I am currently undergoing Psychotherapy from a psychologist and still being monitored by a psychiatrist for my medicines. At first, it was not easy putting down the walls I built around me, opening my unhealed wounds that no one knew about and the repressed emotions that needed to be released. 

Nightmares. Pills.

Emotionally unstable. Pills

Intrusive thoughts. Pills

Hope begins to fade. Pills

I became dependent on my pills. Prescribed doses increased, and yet I’m still being swallowed by a monster under my bed.

Only a few of my closest friends (not more than fingers in my single hand) knew about this. They became my support system throughout my struggles and pain. I learned to open up and share my feelings. I am slowly trying to fight the curse of apathy. Also, despite turning my back on Him, I felt His presence during my darkest times by using my friends and family as an instrument to guide me on a righteous path forward and carried me to the door of light. This verse always reminds me that the way forward is by trusting and putting faith in God. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Now the year is near over, amid the darkness within me, I’m finally committing to living and I have to roll the dice because this is the game I chose to fight and win. My emotions may be like flipping a switch, still, it is a baby step. “Trust the process” It may sound cliché, but it’s progress. I still have a long way to go on my inner journey towards loving myself. Healing does not happen overnight.

The withered flower has started to bring its life and watch it bloom again. 2021 is finally here, the only way forward is up. I have to focus on the now, live in the present moment. 

Keep breathing and trust that things will eventually get better.

 

~ Daisy Dimarucut